Chuck Norris

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PuckU126
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Chuck Norris

Post by PuckU126 » Sun Feb 19, 2006 10:51 pm

If you like Chuck Norris and/or Walker Texas Ranger, post something about him. I know frozen has some good Chuck Norris facts.<br><br>Check this out: <!--EZCODE LINK START--><a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1638127/" target="top">Walker Texas Ranger Clip</a><!--EZCODE LINK END--><br><br><!--EZCODE EMOTICON START :smokin --><img src=http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/smokin.gif ALT=":smokin"><!--EZCODE EMOTICON END--> <br>&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp <br>The Puck – aka: The self-proclaimed People’s Champion <p></p><i></i>

Blue Breeze
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Re: Chuck Norris

Post by Blue Breeze » Sun Feb 19, 2006 10:59 pm

My all-time favorite<br><br>-Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying, 'booyah'. Whoever comes up with these things are geniuses. <p></p><i></i>

2AhockeyOldTimer
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Re: Chuck Norris

Post by 2AhockeyOldTimer » Sun Feb 19, 2006 11:05 pm

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.<br><br>That's my favorite. <p>Beuben Spree Grandma</p><i></i>

east hockey
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Re: Chuck Norris

Post by east hockey » Sun Feb 19, 2006 11:54 pm

I know we ran some of these in chat tonight, but I have a few more:<br><br>There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.<br><br>The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.<br><br>Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't muster up the courage to tell him.<br><br>Chuck Norris doesn't wet the bed, the bed gets scared of Chuck Norris and wetsitself.<br><br>Lee <p>____________<br>Message Board arsonist since 2005<br>Egomaniac since 2006</p><i></i>

starsalum
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Re: Chuck Norris

Post by starsalum » Mon Feb 20, 2006 12:29 am

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris. <p></p><i></i>

PuckU126
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Personal Fav.

Post by PuckU126 » Mon Feb 20, 2006 1:13 am

Chuck Norris counted to infinity… TWICE.<br><br><!--EZCODE EMOTICON START :lol --><img src=http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/laugh.gif ALT=":lol"><!--EZCODE EMOTICON END--> <br><br><!--EZCODE EMOTICON START :smokin --><img src=http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/smokin.gif ALT=":smokin"><!--EZCODE EMOTICON END--> <br><br>The Puck – aka: The self-proclaimed People’s Champion <p></p><i></i>

frozen
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Re: Personal Fav.

Post by frozen » Mon Feb 20, 2006 12:14 pm

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. <br><br>Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. <br><br>When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. <br><br>Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it. <br><br>Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.<br><br>Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. <br><br>If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. <br><br>Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris. <br><br>Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. <br><br>Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." <br><br>Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. <br><br>Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. <br><br>Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. <br><br>Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. <br><br>Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't @#%$ with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. <br><br>Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. <br><br>Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. <br><br>Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. <br><br>To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. <br><br>There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. <br><br>Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. <br><br>There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. <br><br>Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium. <br><br>The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. <br><br>The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. <br><br>Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. <br><br>When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.<br><br>It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.<br><br>Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. <br><br>Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face. <br><br>If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris. <br><br>If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death. <br><br>On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over. <br><br>When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie. <br><br>Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris. <br><br>Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris. <br><br>God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.<br><br>When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.<br><br>Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn. <br><br>A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly. <br><br>Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face. <br><br>Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye. <br><br>Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany. <br><br>If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list. <br><br>Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never. <br><br>When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." <br><br>Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" <br><br>Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food. <br><br>If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris. <br><br>Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility. <br><br>Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot. <br><br>Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card. <br><br>Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat. <br><br>Chuck Norris invented water. <br><br>Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!" <br><br>One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter. <br><br>Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield. <br><br>Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father. <br><br>Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it. <br><br>Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence. <br><br>In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks. <br><br> <p>there'd be no hockey if the water wasn't FROZEN</p><i></i>

frozen
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Re: Personal Fav.

Post by frozen » Mon Feb 20, 2006 12:24 pm

just thought i would highlight my personal favorite.<br><br><!--EZCODE FONT START--><span style="font-size:large;"><!--EZCODE BOLD START--><strong>Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.</strong><!--EZCODE BOLD END--></span><!--EZCODE FONT END--> <p>there'd be no hockey if the water wasn't FROZEN</p><i></i>

EREmpireStrikesBack
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Personally Sick Of CN

Post by EREmpireStrikesBack » Mon Feb 20, 2006 1:09 pm

I like:<br><br>Chuck Norris's beard won the Stanley Cup in 1996.<br><br><!--EZCODE EMOTICON START 8) --><img src=http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/glasses.gif ALT="8)"><!--EZCODE EMOTICON END--> <p>Elk River AA State Champions- 2001 Boys & 2004 Girls</p><i></i>

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Re: Personally Sick Of CN

Post by boblee » Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:45 pm

I love these jokes. I love Chuck Norris <p></p><i></i>

frozen
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Re: Personally Sick Of CN

Post by frozen » Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:45 pm

it also won a grand slam in golf in 93, and a grand slam in tennis in 94... <!--EZCODE EMOTICON START 0] --><img src=http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/alien.gif ALT="0]"><!--EZCODE EMOTICON END--> <p>there'd be no hockey if the water wasn't FROZEN</p><i></i>

yourownchucknorris
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Thanks guys, this means alot

Post by yourownchucknorris » Mon Feb 20, 2006 7:50 pm

I don't cry so one of you is going to have to do it for me <!--EZCODE EMOTICON START 8) --><img src=http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/glasses.gif ALT="8)"><!--EZCODE EMOTICON END--> <br><br>or you all get a roundhouse kick to the face <!--EZCODE EMOTICON START >: --><img src=http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/mad.gif ALT=">:"><!--EZCODE EMOTICON END--> <p></p><i></i>

east hockey
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Re: Thanks guys, this means alot

Post by east hockey » Mon Feb 20, 2006 9:04 pm

Okay. Best Chuck Norris movie?<br><br>I vote for Forced Vengeance and Invasion USA.<br><br>"Tell Rostoff.....it's time to die"<br><br>Lee <p>____________<br>Message Board arsonist since 2005<br>Egomaniac since 2006</p><i></i>

frozen
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Re: Thanks guys, this means alot

Post by frozen » Mon Feb 20, 2006 11:13 pm

chuck norris' movies got three thumbs up from roger and eibert <!--EZCODE EMOTICON START :rollin --><img src=http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/roll.gif ALT=":rollin"><!--EZCODE EMOTICON END--> <p>there'd be no hockey if the water wasn't FROZEN</p><i></i>

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Movie pick.

Post by PuckU126 » Mon Feb 20, 2006 11:25 pm

<!--EZCODE QUOTE START--><blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr>Okay. Best Chuck Norris movie?<hr></blockquote><!--EZCODE QUOTE END--><br>Lee, I am going to have to go with Sidekicks (1992).<br><br>I laugh each time I see it. <!--EZCODE EMOTICON START :lol --><img src=http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/laugh.gif ALT=":lol"><!--EZCODE EMOTICON END--> <br><br><!--EZCODE EMOTICON START :smokin --><img src=http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/smokin.gif ALT=":smokin"><!--EZCODE EMOTICON END--> <br><br>The Puck – aka: The self-proclaimed People’s Champion <p></p><i></i>

east hockey
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Re: Movie pick.

Post by east hockey » Mon Feb 20, 2006 11:40 pm

<!--EZCODE QUOTE START--><blockquote><strong><em>Quote:</em></strong><hr>I laugh each time I see it<hr></blockquote><!--EZCODE QUOTE END--><br>So do I. Piscopo acting all bad until Chuck takes him apart. Slowly.<br><br>"You know, Chuck, I've always wanted to see how good you really are"<br><br>"You're only gonna see it once, Stone"<br><br>Lee <p>____________<br>Message Board arsonist since 2005<br>Egomaniac since 2006</p><i></i>

boblee
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this doesnt fit here, but oh well

Post by boblee » Tue Feb 21, 2006 1:35 pm

The cheese stands alone <p></p><i></i>

koren808
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Chuck vs. Jack

Post by koren808 » Tue Feb 21, 2006 3:51 pm

Chuck Norris is good, but Jack Bauer would take him down in a fight. <p>-------------------<br><br>Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Patriot brewery.- Peter Griffin</p><i></i>

2AhockeyOldTimer
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Re: Chuck vs. Jack

Post by 2AhockeyOldTimer » Tue Feb 21, 2006 3:55 pm

Thats what my friends tell me too, koren <p>"both ties they scored as many goals as the opponent" - ae42</p><i></i>

Mnhockeygod
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Re: Chuck vs. Jack

Post by Mnhockeygod » Tue Feb 21, 2006 4:04 pm

Jack Bauer, good one. You better hope Chuck Norris doesn't read this for your sake and for Jack Bauers. <br><br>Chuck Norris is the only person to ever beat a brick wall in a tennis match. <br><br>Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag people, he potato sacks them.<br><br>The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1, Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer<br><br>Chuck Norris does go hunting... he goes killing<br><br>Chuck Norris once beat a game of ConnectFour in three moves.<br><br>Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk and Kill.<br> <p></p><i>Edited by: <A HREF=http://p100.ezboard.com/bmnhs.showUserP ... ckeygod</A> at: 2/21/06 4:07 pm<br></i>

koren808
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Jack Bauer Facts

Post by koren808 » Tue Feb 21, 2006 5:24 pm

Jack Bauer facts, becuase he is better than Chuck Norris:<br><br>Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.<br><br>Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.<br><br>If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".<br><br>Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.<br><br>If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.<br><br>Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.<br><br>Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.<br><br>If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's f***ing beef.<br><br>1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.<br><br>When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f***ing hates lemonade.<br><br>Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.<br><br>Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.<br><br>Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.<br><br>Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.<br><br>Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.<br><br>On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.<br><br>If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.<br><br>When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.<br><br>Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.<br><br>Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f***ing do it.<br><br>When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer". <br><br>Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.<br><br>Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.<br><br>Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.<br><br>Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.<br><br>When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.<br><br>There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.<br><br>Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.<br><br>There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.<br><br>If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.<br><br>If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.<br><br>If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.<br><br><!--EZCODE BOLD START--><strong>If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.</strong><!--EZCODE BOLD END--> <p>-------------------<br><br>Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Patriot brewery.- Peter Griffin</p><i></i>

Blue Breeze
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Re: Jack Bauer Facts

Post by Blue Breeze » Tue Feb 21, 2006 5:48 pm

Good work Koren. I just can't get enough of these. <p></p><i>Edited by: <A HREF=http://p100.ezboard.com/bmnhs.showUserP ... @mnhs>Blue Breeze</A> at: 2/21/06 5:49 pm<br></i>

MajinHockey
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Chuck Norris

Post by MajinHockey » Tue Feb 21, 2006 11:00 pm

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.<br><br>Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.<br><br>Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.<br><br>Chuck Norris once invited all of the other bad***es from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme bad***. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.<br><br>If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris. <p>97X...BAM!!!...The future of Rock-n-Roll.</p><i></i>

PuckU126
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Another...

Post by PuckU126 » Wed Feb 22, 2006 5:04 pm

Chuck Norris can clog a toilet, with his urine. <br><br><!--EZCODE EMOTICON START :lol --><img src=http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/laugh.gif ALT=":lol"><!--EZCODE EMOTICON END--> <br><br><!--EZCODE EMOTICON START :smokin --><img src=http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/smokin.gif ALT=":smokin"><!--EZCODE EMOTICON END--> <br><br>The Puck – aka: The self-proclaimed People’s Champion <p></p><i></i>

frozen
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Re: Another...

Post by frozen » Wed Feb 22, 2006 6:22 pm

so can i... <!--EZCODE EMOTICON START ;) --><img src=http://www.ezboard.com/images/emoticons/wink.gif ALT=";)"><!--EZCODE EMOTICON END--> <p>there'd be no hockey if the water wasn't FROZEN</p><i></i>

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