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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

A young Chinese couple gets married. It's her first time and truth be told, his too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request . She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69..'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a
puzzled tone he asks her....

'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?

A wealthy man on his death bed called his three best friends-- his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer-- to make a final request. "Who knows what I will find on the other side? Just to be sure, I am giving you each one hundred thousand dollars and I ask that you place an envelope with that amount in my casket." All three took the money and agreed to fulfill his wish.

He died soon thereafter and at the funeral each friend slipped an envelope into the casket. After the burial, the three walked together from the grave. The doctor said, "My friends, I have a confession to make; since the hospital was short of funds for treating the poor I only put 80, 000 dollars in the envelope and donated the other 20, 000 to our indigent fund." The priest then said, "I too have to confess that I gave 50,000 dollars to the homeless and only put fifty thousand in the casket."

The lawyer looked both his friends straight in the eye and said, "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you failed to keep your solemn promise to our dear departed friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full 100, 000 dollars."
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A man telephones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies "I'm sorry but he died last week."

The next day the same man phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the man calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The man says, "Because I just love hearing it."
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The word "oxymoron" is from a combination of Greek words for "smart" and "stupid," and it is used to describe a phrase that has an internal conflict or contradiction, such as "military intelligence" or "postal service."

The legal profession has its share of the usual two-word oxymorons, such as "legal ethics" and "Justice Rehnquist," but is unique in also providing us with the only one-word oxymoron: brief.

Oh that silly DMom
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bvYSkg0Jmk

so, we're here laughing hysterically and my ten year old says, "that can't be you Mom, you can't lift your leg that high"

To all my friends who in 2007 sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,

"NONE OF THAT SH*T WORKED! "

For 2008, could you please just send

Gasoline vouchers?

DMom wrote:so, we're here laughing hysterically and my ten year old says, "that can't be you Mom, you can't lift your leg that high"

Per usual, CNT posts YouTube clips that I can't see from here at work, but this comment certainly heightens the intrigue.

Govs93 wrote:

DMom wrote:so, we're here laughing hysterically and my ten year old says, "that can't be you Mom, you can't lift your leg that high"

Per usual, CNT posts YouTube clips that I can't see from here at work, but this comment certainly heightens the intrigue.

Ditto...

Neutron 14 wrote:

Govs93 wrote:

DMom wrote:so, we're here laughing hysterically and my ten year old says, "that can't be you Mom, you can't lift your leg that high"

Per usual, CNT posts YouTube clips that I can't see from here at work, but this comment certainly heightens the intrigue.

Ditto...

Get real jobs then!

You'll laugh when you see it.....I laugh each time I even think about it!

Can't Never Tried wrote:

Neutron 14 wrote:

Govs93 wrote: Per usual, CNT posts YouTube clips that I can't see from here at work, but this comment certainly heightens the intrigue.

Ditto...

Get real jobs then!

I long for that day...


f'n iPhone.

Can't Never Tried wrote:Get real jobs then!

Neutron 14 wrote:

Can't Never Tried wrote:Get real jobs then!

"What was that 99" ?

Govs93 wrote:

DMom wrote:so, we're here laughing hysterically and my ten year old says, "that can't be you Mom, you can't lift your leg that high"

Per usual, CNT posts YouTube clips that I can't see from here at work, but this comment certainly heightens the intrigue.

My concern is CNT's interest in clips of this nature.

Some form of therapy I bet!

tomASS wrote:

Govs93 wrote:

DMom wrote:so, we're here laughing hysterically and my ten year old says, "that can't be you Mom, you can't lift your leg that high"

Per usual, CNT posts YouTube clips that I can't see from here at work, but this comment certainly heightens the intrigue.

My concern is CNT's interest in clips of this nature.

Some form of therapy I bet!

Not so fast there tommyboy! I just wanted everyone to meet the real DMom

she will be raising some tough-ass boys then if they have to put up with that "breeze"

I thought dads were the ones that were suppose to embarrass the kids.

The Wedding Test
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me,
and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day this "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check
the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived,
and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last
wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your (protection) in your car!

LOL!

That was good!

of course the family didn't notice the gun he was carrying in his pocket??

Must have been small caliber

THEN THE FIGHT STARTED!!!

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.... and then the fight started....

*************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

***********************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked,' Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

***********************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

Ok Govs walks into the bar and says "bartender give me 10 shots of whiskey" so bartender lines em up and starts pouring away.
Meanwhile Govs is right behind the pour.. just pounding em back one after the next.
He grabs the last one just as the bartender finishes pouring it and slams that one too!

Bartender puts the bottle down looks up and says "man you drank those fast" Govs replies "you'd drink em fast too if you had what I had"
bartender says "geez..... what is it you have" govs looks up and says.........


"A dollar"


Rim shot please!!

I'm working today... Doing some analytical research:

Whatcha think this dogs name is? Feeling Lucky?

Neutron 14 wrote:

Whatcha think this dogs name is? Feeling Lucky?

Poopsie?

Stinky?

Stupid would work too!

Chicken little ?

Braveheart?

Call him Pancake

or in Korea he would be known as Appetizer.

Neutron 14 wrote:

Whatcha think this dogs name is? Feeling Lucky?

Mr. Govs.