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I don't think I'm going to get my voice back for a week. My throat is sore. my head hurts, my ears are ringing, but I can't think of the last time I felt so great.

How the hell am I going to be able to sleep?!


CNT... tell me one of your jokes, that should help.

Govs walked into a therapists office looking very depressed, 'Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this.'

'What's the problem?' the doctor inquired.

'Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.'

'My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you.' The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.

Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. 'Did my advice not work?' asked the doctor.

'It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.'

'So, what's your problem?'

'I don't have a problem,' Govs replied. 'My wife does.'

Happy to !

Ok.. So Govs goes to the Doctor…again!
And he says “Doc I have this small problem but before I show you, you promise you won’t laugh”?
The Doc says “Govs I’m a professional MD I promise I won’t laugh”!
“You’re sure…you promise”? Govs says.
“Yes, Yes, I Promise” the Doc says.

So with his head down, kind of sheepishly… the Govs drops his flannel boxers to floor.

Immediately the Doc Busts out laughing nearly to tears!! After seeing this tiny little manhood.
Govs Stammers “You promised you wouldn’t laugh”
Doc Says “I’m sorry your right..that was very unprofessional of me I apologize….so what seems to be the problem"

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Govs looks up and says “are you kidding" ! "can’t you see it’s swollen"!

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect. He never heard the shot....

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls.' When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, Crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?



Regards,

Neutron 14

Neutron 14 wrote:Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls.' When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, Crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?



Regards,

Neutron 14

Fix it youself, Gorilla glue works wonders.

Neutron 14 wrote:Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls.' When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, Crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?



Regards,

Neutron 14

Buy a new set of clubs.

Neutron 14 wrote:Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls.' When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, Crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?



Regards,

Neutron 14

It was at that moment the club should have been used one more time to make a complete fracture, then there would be no question it would need to be returned for repair.

Can't Never Tried wrote:

Neutron 14 wrote:Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls.' When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, Crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?



Regards,

Neutron 14

It was at that moment the club should have been used one more time to make a complete fracture, then there would be no question it would need to be returned for repair.

Why would he go to the driving range at night?

EREmpireStrikesBack wrote:

Can't Never Tried wrote:

Neutron 14 wrote:Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls.' When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, Crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?



Regards,

Neutron 14

It was at that moment the club should have been used one more time to make a complete fracture, then there would be no question it would need to be returned for repair.

Why would he go to the driving range at night?

Seriously.......... have you seen him golf??

Can't Never Tried wrote:

EREmpireStrikesBack wrote:

Can't Never Tried wrote: It was at that moment the club should have been used one more time to make a complete fracture, then there would be no question it would need to be returned for repair.

Why would he go to the driving range at night?

Seriously.......... have you seen him golf??

... hence the driving range

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.


You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creat es one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That' s right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'






New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Another one for our lady friends on the bored!

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'


The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!


The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,
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'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''

And here is one for the guys-

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

' I can cut them for you ' said the chemist
' but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

' I am 96 ' said the old man.

I don't want an erection.

I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers. '

Nice,.........sounds like elliott

Can't Never Tried wrote:Nice,.........sounds like elliott

I don't wear slippers.

elliott70 wrote:

Can't Never Tried wrote:Nice,.........sounds like elliott

I don't wear slippers.

Moccasins, Mukluks....... old flannel shirt sleeves, whatever!

I think the majority of you Minnesota boys (at least the rangers) will love this-

Rules of Minnesota
>
> Here's to all of us who live in Minnesota , some born and raised here.
> Some got here as fast as they could and others who would like to be from
> Minnesota . This is the best version of this that I have seen.
>
> 1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
>
> 2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a
> Pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're
> going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
>
> 3. You say our lakes smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over
> it.
>
> 4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines
> that are driven only 3 times a year.
>
> 5. So every person in every pickup waves. Its called being friendly. try
> to understand the concept.
>
> 6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in; we
> WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to
> your ear at the time.
>
> 7. Yeah, we eat walleye & northern pike and love it. You really want
> sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
>
> 8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a Religious
> holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
>
> 9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of
> age.
>
> 10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you
> can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the pound of ham & turkey.
>
> 11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
> vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: Onion, Pepper, and Garlic!
>
> 12. College and High School Hockey is as important here as the Lakers
> and the Knicks, and a hell of a lot more fun to watch.
>
> 13. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards --it
> spooks the fish.
>
> 14. Colleges? Try St. Olaf, Concordia, or St. John's . They come outta
> there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still
> wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.
>
> 15. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines, than
> any other state, so "Don't screw with Minnesota ." If you do, you will
> get whipped by the best."
>
> Minnesota is the greatest state ever!!
>
>
>
>

From a person that lives in Maine...

EREmpireStrikesBack wrote:From a person that lives in Maine...

Kinda makes ya proud don't it!

mainefan........ you send us lobster and we'll send you Duck - Duck
Sorry about the repetition

Can't Never Tried wrote:

EREmpireStrikesBack wrote:From a person that lives in Maine...

Kinda makes ya proud don't it!

mainefan........ you send us lobster and we'll send you Duck - Duck
Sorry about the repetition

Can we send D-D first? Please.

EREmpireStrikesBack wrote:

Can't Never Tried wrote:

EREmpireStrikesBack wrote:From a person that lives in Maine...

Kinda makes ya proud don't it!

mainefan........ you send us lobster and we'll send you Duck - Duck
Sorry about the repetition

Can we send D-D first? Please.

Who is going to pry him off Bernie?

Neutron 14 wrote:

EREmpireStrikesBack wrote:

Can't Never Tried wrote: Kinda makes ya proud don't it!

mainefan........ you send us lobster and we'll send you Duck - Duck
Sorry about the repetition

Can we send D-D first? Please.

Who is going to pry him off Bernie?

Who else has ass in his name that could do this??

EREmpireStrikesBack wrote:From a person that lives in Maine...

In case you don't get it- I grew up in Minnesota, played hockey with the boys on the range and went to college in Minnesota- Why else would I be on this bored? So don't give me any crap about living in Maine . Oh yeah I must not be a real Minnesotan

No Lobstah for you.

CNT maybe.

mainefan wrote:

EREmpireStrikesBack wrote:From a person that lives in Maine...

In case you don't get it- I grew up in Minnesota, played hockey with the boys on the range and went to college in Minnesota- Why else would I be on this bored? So don't give me any crap about living in Maine . Oh yeah I must not be a real Minnesotan

No Lobstah for you.

CNT maybe.

You'll still take quack though right?