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Ok since the last one, which were true stories, confused some of the fine people on this "bored" Try this one:

Three ducks walk into a bar. The bartender says:
"What's your name? How are you doing?"
The first duck replies, "I'm Bob(lee) I've just been hanging around, in and out of puddles all day."
The bartender says to the second duck, "What's your name? How you doing?"
The second duck replies, "I'm Elliot(70) just hanging around, in and out of puddles all day."
The bartender says to the third duck, "What's your name?"
The third duck replies, "Hi, I'm Puddles."

How to use the rebate

As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each
and every one of us would now get a nice rebate. If we spend that money
at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline
it will all go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will all go to
India, if we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico,
Honduras, and Guatemala, if we purchase a good car it will all go to
Japan, if we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of
it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America, so the only
way to keep that money here at home is to buy hookers and beer,
since those are the only businesses still in the US.

Can't Never Tried wrote:How to use the rebate

As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each
and every one of us would now get a nice rebate. If we spend that money
at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline
it will all go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will all go to
India, if we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico,
Honduras, and Guatemala, if we purchase a good car it will all go to
Japan, if we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of
it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America, so the only
way to keep that money here at home is to buy hookers and beer,
since those are the only businesses still in the US.

Sweet!

I like yer thinking CNT

Can't Never Tried wrote:I bought a new Lexus 350 and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "axeholes" Immediately the French Nation al Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

I LOVE this car!

In the actual joke it says, little boys and the radio plays Michael Jackson..

A Grandpa and his Grandson are sitting on the porch.
The Grandpa cracks open a beer.
"Granpa can I have a beer?"
"Can your pecker touch our butthole?"
"No.."
"Then you can't have a beer."
Grandpa Lights a Cigar.
"Granpa can I have a cigar?"
"Can your pecker touch our butthole?"
"No.."
"Then you can't have a beer."
The kid walks inside and comes out with a car of cookies.
The grandpa asks, "Can I have some cookies?"
"Can your pecker touch our butthole?"
"Yeah."
"Well then go screw yourself! These are my cookies!"

cajones18 wrote:A Grandpa and his Grandson are sitting on the porch.
The Grandpa cracks open a beer.
"Granpa can I have a beer?"
"Can your pecker touch our butthole?"
"No.."
"Then you can't have a beer."
Grandpa Lights a Cigar.
"Granpa can I have a cigar?"
"Can your pecker touch our butthole?"
"No.."
"Then you can't have a beer."
The kid walks inside and comes out with a car of cookies.
The grandpa asks, "Can I have some cookies?"
"Can your pecker touch our butthole?"
"Yeah."
"Well then go screw yourself! These are my cookies!"

Thats the stupidest joke ever
Stick to Nascar redneck.

OGEE OGELTHORPE wrote:

cajones18 wrote:A Grandpa and his Grandson are sitting on the porch.
The Grandpa cracks open a beer.
"Granpa can I have a beer?"
"Can your pecker touch our butthole?"
"No.."
"Then you can't have a beer."
Grandpa Lights a Cigar.
"Granpa can I have a cigar?"
"Can your pecker touch our butthole?"
"No.."
"Then you can't have a beer."
The kid walks inside and comes out with a car of cookies.
The grandpa asks, "Can I have some cookies?"
"Can your pecker touch our butthole?"
"Yeah."
"Well then go screw yourself! These are my cookies!"

Thats the stupidest joke ever
Stick to Nascar redneck.

**When girls don't put out!!**
*This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.*



I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their
heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each
outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one w ave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a t ennis bracelet when she doesn't
even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that _itch
knows I'm smarter than her.

Can't Never Tried wrote:**When girls don't put out!!**
*This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.*



I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their
heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each
outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one w ave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a t ennis bracelet when she doesn't
even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that _itch
knows I'm smarter than her.

Can't Never Tried wrote:**When girls don't put out!!**
*This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.*



I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their
heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each
outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one w ave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a t ennis bracelet when she doesn't
even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that _itch
knows I'm smarter than her.

That was awesome!

What do you call empty beer cans in a ditch?

What?

Tonight when you go to bed, whisper in your wife's ear "if you want to have sex, tug on my unit once. If you don't want to, tug on it 100 times really fast."

Cornbread wrote:What do you call empty beer cans in a ditch?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ Artifacts

Cornbread wrote:

Cornbread wrote:What do you call empty beer cans in a ditch?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ Artifacts

I don't get it..

You Livan Hernandez nay-sayers clearly have no idea what you're talking about.

Govs93 wrote:You Livan Hernandez nay-sayers clearly have no idea what you're talking about.

Actually, this article might be even better.


“Man, what a great place to finish out the long, slow decline of a mediocre career,” said Craig Monroe. “I think I’m gonna fit in just fine here.”

Hey PB looks like you have another local guy getting called up to the big leagues !

Vatican taps Twin Cities auxiliary bishop as next bishop of Des Moines


Last update: April 10, 2008 - 11:31 AM Star Tribune

Pope Benedict XVI has appointed Richard E. Pates, 65, to succeed Joseph Charron, who has retired. Pates will assume his new duties next month and be installed at a mass in Des Moines on May 29.

Finally found something to occupy Govs..go easy manic mode!
http://www.therightfoot.net/mystuff/wha ... lewrap.swf

Can't Never Tried wrote:Finally found something to occupy Govs..go easy manic mode!
http://www.therightfoot.net/mystuff/wha ... lewrap.swf

That belongs on the Most Useful Website thread. I'll be able to kill the rest of my day here at work with that, and I can't think of anything that would be more useful than that right now...

Govs93 wrote:

Can't Never Tried wrote:Finally found something to occupy Govs..go easy manic mode!
http://www.therightfoot.net/mystuff/wha ... lewrap.swf

That belongs on the Most Useful Website thread. I'll be able to kill the rest of my day here at work with that, and I can't think of anything that would be more useful than that right now...

And is there one? at least before I said that?

Can't Never Tried wrote:

Govs93 wrote:

Can't Never Tried wrote:Finally found something to occupy Govs..go easy manic mode!
http://www.therightfoot.net/mystuff/wha ... lewrap.swf

That belongs on the Most Useful Website thread. I'll be able to kill the rest of my day here at work with that, and I can't think of anything that would be more useful than that right now...

And is there one? at least before I said that?

Ah yes, there is.