A friend sent me these and I thought they were too good not share as a Trick or Treat today
1. A vulture boarded a plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stopped him and said, "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."
2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.
3. Two boll weevils grew up in S. Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.
4. 2 Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
8. A woman has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete's sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!!"
9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him.... what? (This is so bad it's good...) --a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
11. And finally, ...there was a person who shared 10 puns with some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did!
Fan of Puns
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Fan of Puns
fighting all who rob or plunder
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carpenterguy
- Posts: 371
- Joined: Fri May 26, 2006 7:55 am
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
4. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
5. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
6. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
7. When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.
8. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
9. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
2. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
4. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
5. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
6. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
7. When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.
8. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
9. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
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carpenterguy
- Posts: 371
- Joined: Fri May 26, 2006 7:55 am
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
12. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
13. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
14. Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
15. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
16. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
17. Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
18. We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.
19. A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
20. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
12. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
13. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
14. Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
15. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
16. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
17. Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
18. We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.
19. A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
20. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.