A guy had been on a deserted island for 10 years when he saw something approaching. Instead of a ship, it was a beautiful woman in a wetsuit. She took off the hood and shook out her long hair. She said to the guy, "How long has it been since you've had a smoke?"
"I've been stranded on this island for ten years and haven't had a smoke in all that time", he replied. She promptly unzipped a pocket on her right sleeve and pulled out a pack of cigarettes for him.
As he enjoyed a smoke, she said, "How long has it been since you've had a drink?"
"I've been stranded on this island for ten years and haven't had a drink in all that time", he replied.
She then unzipped a pocket on her left sleeve and pulled out a bottle of aged Scotch. While he was enjoying a drink, she started to unzip the front of the wetsuit. While doing so, she asked, "How long has it been since you've played around?"
His eyes bulged as he said, "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!!!"
Just for FUN!
Moderators: Mitch Hawker, east hockey, karl(east)
Ms. Charms
Okay, I can't remember what thread veered off topic to cover my neighbors, but........guess who pulled into our driveway last night? Luckily Mr. D had a friend over so he has a witness when he's bragging about it to his buddies.
BTW, this isn't off topic. Mr. D had fun, and so did I (just seeing the look on his face was worth it).
BTW, this isn't off topic. Mr. D had fun, and so did I (just seeing the look on his face was worth it).
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Neutron 14
- Posts: 5339
- Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2005 12:48 pm
Did it really take you fifteen minutes to get this one??Neutron 14 wrote:Bravo!
Thanks Gov, I do believe that you are responsible for a number of good laughs today. Course it's only funny till I start to think about the last time Mr. D did a dish, or even put one in the sink without getting the LOOK first..........
It's only funny till there's some truth to it....
and than, well than it 's hilarious
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Shut up. You know it's funny.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Shut up. You know it's funny.
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Can't Never Tried
- Posts: 4345
- Joined: Thu Sep 14, 2006 3:55 pm
Yep.... cause that's the only thing that would cause that to happen!DMom wrote:What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?Govs93 wrote:This one's for Dmom...
It's completely out of line, but also might be the funniest thing I've ever seen:
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
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Neutron 14
- Posts: 5339
- Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2005 12:48 pm
WOMEN'S RIGHTS
The following took place at an international conference for women's rights.
The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our
husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
(The crowd cheered).
The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing,
but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.
(The crowd again cheered).
The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said," After lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.
(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).
She continued...........................
"Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing.
Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing,
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>but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye."
The following took place at an international conference for women's rights.
The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our
husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
(The crowd cheered).
The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing,
but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.
(The crowd again cheered).
The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said," After lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.
(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).
She continued...........................
"Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing.
Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing,
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>but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye."
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EREmpireStrikesBack
- Posts: 5140
- Joined: Fri Jan 02, 2004 3:28 am
- Location: Minnesota
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Neutron 14
- Posts: 5339
- Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2005 12:48 pm
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, "The Minnesota Vikings are Super Bowl contenders."
Snow White thought to herself, "Thank God... at least Dopey's survived!"
Snow White thought to herself, "Thank God... at least Dopey's survived!"
I know everybody's been looking forward to this day all year long, so let me be the first to wish you all a very happy "Talk Like a Pirate Day".
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OGEE OGELTHORPE
- Posts: 703
- Joined: Sun Sep 30, 2007 9:44 pm
- Location: State of shock/without the awe
Blimey!Govs93 wrote:I know everybody's been looking forward to this day all year long, so let me be the first to wish you all a very happy "Talk Like a Pirate Day".
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Neutron 14
- Posts: 5339
- Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2005 12:48 pm
Govs93 wrote:I know everybody's been looking forward to this day all year long, so let me be the first to wish you all a very happy "Talk Like a Pirate Day".
Cap'n Slappy? Now we know what he does in the summer!
Shiver me timbers!Neutron 14 wrote:Govs93 wrote:I know everybody's been looking forward to this day all year long, so let me be the first to wish you all a very happy "Talk Like a Pirate Day".
Cap'n Slappy? Now we know what he does in the summer!
I have the eye patch.Govs93 wrote:I know everybody's been looking forward to this day all year long, so let me be the first to wish you all a very happy "Talk Like a Pirate Day".
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Can't Never Tried
- Posts: 4345
- Joined: Thu Sep 14, 2006 3:55 pm
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EREmpireStrikesBack
- Posts: 5140
- Joined: Fri Jan 02, 2004 3:28 am
- Location: Minnesota
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Can't Never Tried
- Posts: 4345
- Joined: Thu Sep 14, 2006 3:55 pm
DMom's kid at it again....... she didn't want this to get out....but it ended up on the web so here it is!
My students, are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said
"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"
I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"
And so it does...
" A f r i c a n Elephant "
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
My students, are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said
"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"
I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"
And so it does...
" A f r i c a n Elephant "
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
Can't Never Tried wrote:DMom's kid at it again....... she didn't want this to get out....but it ended up on the web so here it is!
My students, are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said
"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"
I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"
And so it does...
" A f r i c a n Elephant "
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
Being the best mom ever, I shared this with them. ha, ha harmless fun.
BUT before heading to the bus this morning, there was giggling in the youngest one's bedroom and they came out all smiles and generally, in a very good mood considering they were heading off to school. Turns out they found an old box of animal flashcards and were going to regale their buddies on the bus with this one.....I am sure I should stop them
