1. Which is the most critical factor to consider when selecting players for your high school hockey team?
a. The player’s ability.
b. The player’s commitment.
c. The player’s goals.
d. The player’s parents.
Answer: If you need me to provide the answer for that one, you’re … wow. This may not be pretty.
2. How long does it take for a high school player to move on after a “devastating loss?”
a. “Dad, what’s devastating mean?”
b. “Coach, who brought the Ding-Dongs?”
c. “Huh? We lost? OK. Can Brian come over?”
d. “My feet are freezing.”
Answer: Any questions?
3. What’s the most important advice someone can give you?
a. “Don’t talk to the parents.”
b. “Don’t say we didn’t warn you.”
c. “Patrick comes along with those parents.”
d. “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”
Answer: It’s D, which is actually an old Middle East proverb, which is sort of apropos.
4. As a high school hockey coach, what’s the most important information you need to know about the moms?
a. Is she a good person?
b. Does she have enough time to go to games?
c. Is she really into it?
d. Is she hot?
Answer: I know, I know, today there are a growing number of female coaches. Please see No. 5. Jeesh.
5. As a high school hockey coach, what’s the most important information you need to know about the dads?
a. Is he a good person?
b. Does he have enough time to go to games?
c. Is he really into it?
d. Does he have a problem with his mother and authority?
Answer: Just so you know, D is a rather obvious symptom of males suffering from “manopause.”
6. As a high school hockey coach, what’s the most effective system?
a. One that allows offensive creativity.
b. One that develops defensive teamwork.
c. One that everyone can understand.
d. One that successfully keeps the one parent who already thinks you’re incompetent from infecting the other 29 who are still undecided.
Answer: No, no, no. A, B and C do not matter. At all. Trust me.
7. What’s the most important thing you need to survive a State High School Tournament?
a. A mini-bar in your hotel room.
b. A room on a different floor than the players.
c. A room in a different hotel.
d. No overnight tournaments.
Answer: Some options work better than others.
8. If a parent asks to speak with you after the first game, you should:
a. Anticipate that the parent may have a concern.
b. Anticipate that the parent may have a serious concern.
c. Anticipate that the parent may be mad (which is different than angry. Normal people get angry; hockey parents go mad.)
d. Pretend you don’t speak English.
Answer: Recite the 24-hour rule: you need 24 hours to get down on your hands and knees and beg the parent to move their kid to another team.
9. When a parent says, “Hey, you know, I played a little hockey, too,” you should:
a. Listen.
b. Take notes.
c. Ask where.
d. Resign immediately.
Answer: Understand that “a little hockey” could mean he chased a puck around the neighborhood pond one afternoon 25 years ago. (Note: Women, even those who have played, will not make this sort of ridiculous comment.)
10. Coaching a high school hockey team is:
a. Enjoyable.
b. Rewarding.
c. Invigorating.
d. Suicidal.
Answer: Well, it’s supposed to be all of A, B, and C. The reality is … well, you tell us, after you’ve done it for 10 years or so and you’ve come to realize that sane parents are a figment of the imagination, and their kids … their kids are … Whoa. Deep breath. Sorry.
Um, good luck. Yeah, good luck. The Society of Hockey Coaches can use some new blood. Most of ours has been drained. Just kidding. Sort of.
