Life is often too serious. Take time to laugh.
Funny videos, jokes, and pictures (Parental rating PG tops). I'll start off with a classic.
http://www.johnnycarson.com/carson/pop/ ... om_bah.jsp
Just for FUN!
Moderators: Mitch Hawker, east hockey, karl(east)
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Can't Never Tried
- Posts: 4345
- Joined: Thu Sep 14, 2006 3:55 pm
New Car
I bought a new Lexus 350 and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "axeholes" Immediately the French Nation al Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
I LOVE this car!
"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "axeholes" Immediately the French Nation al Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
I LOVE this car!
Re: New Car
Figures... another right-winger buying a foreign car, and not bright enough to figure out the friggin' radio.Can't Never Tried wrote:I bought a new Lexus 350 and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "axeholes" Immediately the French Nation al Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
I LOVE this car!
Re: New Car
Govs93 wrote:Figures... another right-winger buying a foreign car, and not bright enough to figure out the friggin' radio.Can't Never Tried wrote:I bought a new Lexus 350 and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "axeholes" Immediately the French Nation al Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
I LOVE this car!
If you want quality and value, keep the overpriced union made garbage out of the equation.
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Neutron 14
- Posts: 5339
- Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2005 12:48 pm
Now to be fair, there's a Lexus dealership within walking distance of Johnson too (although it's kind of a long walk).Neutron 14 wrote:I know its a joke because everyone knows Rogers is Dodge country.
The irony? www.lexusofwayzata.com
But, funny you should mention Dodge - my garage is Dodge country too. And I know how to use the radio!
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Can't Never Tried
- Posts: 4345
- Joined: Thu Sep 14, 2006 3:55 pm
I thought it was worth sharing...but of course make your own choice 
Yes, Christmas cards. This is coming early so that you can get ready to include an
important address to your list.
Wanna have some fun this CHRISTMAS? Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD this year.
As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTMAS part of this holiday,
we should all send them a nice CHRISTIAN card to brighten up their dark,
sad, little world.
Make sure it says "Merry Christmas" on it.
Here's the address, just don't be rude or crude. (It's not
the Christian Way , you know.)
ACLU
125 Broad Street
18th
Floor
New York , NY 10004
Two tons of Christmas cards would freeze their operations because they wouldn't know if any were regular
mail containing contributions. So spend 41 cents and tell the ACLU to leave Christmas alone. Also tell them
that there is no such thing as a
"Holiday Tree". . . It's always been called a CHRISTMAS TREE!
And pass this on to your email lists. We really want to
communicate with the ACLU! They really DESERVE us!!
For those of you who aren't aware of them, the ACLU, (the American Civil Liberties
Union) (really the Anti-Christian Lawyers Union) is the one suing the U.S. Government to take God, Christmas or
anything Christian away from us. They represent the atheists and others
in this war. Help put Christ back in Christmas!
Yes, Christmas cards. This is coming early so that you can get ready to include an
important address to your list.
Wanna have some fun this CHRISTMAS? Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD this year.
As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTMAS part of this holiday,
we should all send them a nice CHRISTIAN card to brighten up their dark,
sad, little world.
Make sure it says "Merry Christmas" on it.
Here's the address, just don't be rude or crude. (It's not
the Christian Way , you know.)
ACLU
125 Broad Street
18th
Floor
New York , NY 10004
Two tons of Christmas cards would freeze their operations because they wouldn't know if any were regular
mail containing contributions. So spend 41 cents and tell the ACLU to leave Christmas alone. Also tell them
that there is no such thing as a
"Holiday Tree". . . It's always been called a CHRISTMAS TREE!
And pass this on to your email lists. We really want to
communicate with the ACLU! They really DESERVE us!!
For those of you who aren't aware of them, the ACLU, (the American Civil Liberties
Union) (really the Anti-Christian Lawyers Union) is the one suing the U.S. Government to take God, Christmas or
anything Christian away from us. They represent the atheists and others
in this war. Help put Christ back in Christmas!
Uh - I won't be sending a letter, but it might surprise some of you to know that I would agree with the sentment here. To me it all boils down to trying to force your beliefs on others. Just as I don't want you bible thumpers telling me what's right and wrong, I also don't particularly care for the other side (and if we're going to reference the extreme here, I'll go along with "atheists") forcing their will onto those who have their own beliefs either. Think for yourself and keep it to yourself.Can't Never Tried wrote:I thought it was worth sharing...but of course make your own choice
Yes, Christmas cards. This is coming early so that you can get ready to include an
important address to your list.
Wanna have some fun this CHRISTMAS? Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD this year.
As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTMAS part of this holiday,
we should all send them a nice CHRISTIAN card to brighten up their dark,
sad, little world.
Make sure it says "Merry Christmas" on it.
Here's the address, just don't be rude or crude. (It's not
the Christian Way , you know.)
ACLU
125 Broad Street
18th
Floor
New York , NY 10004
Two tons of Christmas cards would freeze their operations because they wouldn't know if any were regular
mail containing contributions. So spend 41 cents and tell the ACLU to leave Christmas alone. Also tell them
that there is no such thing as a
"Holiday Tree". . . It's always been called a CHRISTMAS TREE!
And pass this on to your email lists. We really want to
communicate with the ACLU! They really DESERVE us!!
For those of you who aren't aware of them, the ACLU, (the American Civil Liberties
Union) (really the Anti-Christian Lawyers Union) is the one suing the U.S. Government to take God, Christmas or
anything Christian away from us. They represent the atheists and others
in this war. Help put Christ back in Christmas!
I think more often than not, the ACLU does decent work, but pick another fight.
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Neutron 14
- Posts: 5339
- Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2005 12:48 pm
I remember a lawsuit brought by a high school girl in Ohio, who was told by her school board that she couldn't say prayers before eating her lunch.Govs93 wrote: I think more often than not, the ACLU does decent work, but pick another fight.
The girls lawyers who got this "rule" overturned?
The ACLU.
Everything isn't as Rush would have you believe.
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Neutron 14
- Posts: 5339
- Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2005 12:48 pm
CNT- I like the idea
I just went on their web site and have used my American Greetings ecard account to send a group Christmas card to the union.
the nice thing is, so as not to force any beliefs on them, they can reject and refuse to open the card if they wish. Their system will probably filter it.
I have made it a point the last 5 years to make sure I say Merry Christmas to everyone. I can not help if they are offended. That would be their problem.
Here is a hint to the store clerks that try to be follow the store rules - if a customer is buying Christmas product (cards, gift wrap, lights, decorations) chances are they celebrating Christmas and it is ok to say Merry Christmas. Besides the retail chains make a ton of money off the season. Some of it my pennies, so don't be afraid to allow your clerks to express the main reason for their selling season.
I just went on their web site and have used my American Greetings ecard account to send a group Christmas card to the union.
the nice thing is, so as not to force any beliefs on them, they can reject and refuse to open the card if they wish. Their system will probably filter it.
I have made it a point the last 5 years to make sure I say Merry Christmas to everyone. I can not help if they are offended. That would be their problem.
Here is a hint to the store clerks that try to be follow the store rules - if a customer is buying Christmas product (cards, gift wrap, lights, decorations) chances are they celebrating Christmas and it is ok to say Merry Christmas. Besides the retail chains make a ton of money off the season. Some of it my pennies, so don't be afraid to allow your clerks to express the main reason for their selling season.
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Can't Never Tried
- Posts: 4345
- Joined: Thu Sep 14, 2006 3:55 pm
Thought I would share this one.
THEY WALK AMONG US!!
> > IDIOT SIGHTING:
> We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'No, it's not. Four is larger than two....'
>
> We haven't used Sears repair since.
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
> My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we can't do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
>
> Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
> I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
>
> From Kingman , KS
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
> My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
>
> From Kansas City
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
> I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
> 'That's why we ask.'
>
> Happened in Birmingham, Alabama
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
> The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
>
> She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
> At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
>
> This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
> I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
>
> A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
> When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'
>
> This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi
>
>
> STAY ALERT!
> They walk and drive among us...
> And the scary part is that
> they VOTE and they REPRODUCE
THEY WALK AMONG US!!
> > IDIOT SIGHTING:
> We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'No, it's not. Four is larger than two....'
>
> We haven't used Sears repair since.
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
> My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we can't do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
>
> Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
> I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
>
> From Kingman , KS
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
> My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
>
> From Kansas City
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
> I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
> 'That's why we ask.'
>
> Happened in Birmingham, Alabama
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
> The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
>
> She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
> At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
>
> This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
> I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
>
> A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
>
>
> IDIOT SIGHTING:
> When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'
>
> This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi
>
>
> STAY ALERT!
> They walk and drive among us...
> And the scary part is that
> they VOTE and they REPRODUCE
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature."
"Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old man said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature."
"Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old man said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
This guy is walking on a beach and trips over something in the sand..well of course it's an old oil lamp...SO he brushes it off an' rubs it a little with his shirt tail to see if there's any writing on it..when out pops a Genie!
The Genie says: "I'll grant you three wishes..but bear in mind that whatever I grant you..I will grant twice as much to your wife.."
"Well...Hell's bells..." The guy says..an' explains that he and his wife are going through a real nasty divorce settlement...
" That's my offer - take it or leave it! " The Genie says...
So the guy thinks a minute and says: "Ok..I want a million dollars.. - " POOOF! A million dollars in neatly stacked bundles materializes at his feet..
"There ya' go..and your wife just got two million..." The Genie says...
The guy then says: "Ok Genie,...I want a mansion in Beverly Hills with 100 rooms!" - POOOF! A deed to a 100 room luxurious estate pops into his hand..
"Your wish is granted..your wife has a 200 room estate right next door to you.."Now for your last wish...?"
The man hangs his head in disgust...thinking his last wish over...Then he smiles as he looks up at the Genie and says: " I want you to get a stick...and beat me half to death with it... POOOOF!
The Genie says: "I'll grant you three wishes..but bear in mind that whatever I grant you..I will grant twice as much to your wife.."
"Well...Hell's bells..." The guy says..an' explains that he and his wife are going through a real nasty divorce settlement...
" That's my offer - take it or leave it! " The Genie says...
So the guy thinks a minute and says: "Ok..I want a million dollars.. - " POOOF! A million dollars in neatly stacked bundles materializes at his feet..
"There ya' go..and your wife just got two million..." The Genie says...
The guy then says: "Ok Genie,...I want a mansion in Beverly Hills with 100 rooms!" - POOOF! A deed to a 100 room luxurious estate pops into his hand..
"Your wish is granted..your wife has a 200 room estate right next door to you.."Now for your last wish...?"
The man hangs his head in disgust...thinking his last wish over...Then he smiles as he looks up at the Genie and says: " I want you to get a stick...and beat me half to death with it... POOOOF!
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NumberCruncher
- Posts: 443
- Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2005 1:45 pm
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Neutron 14
- Posts: 5339
- Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2005 12:48 pm
Decent bar-b-que?NumberCruncher wrote:>From Kingman , KS> From Kansas City> Happened in Birmingham, Alabama> She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS> A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less> This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi
I see a theme .....
The only soft spot I see is the one between my legs
Speaking of... a mere 74 days and I'll be bellied up at Arthur Bryant's for lunch again, just before heading to Kauffman to see Delmon Young hit shots into the fountains. Talk about FUN!Neutron 14 wrote:Decent bar-b-que?NumberCruncher wrote:>From Kingman , KS> From Kansas City> Happened in Birmingham, Alabama> She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS> A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less> This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi
I see a theme .....
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Can't Never Tried
- Posts: 4345
- Joined: Thu Sep 14, 2006 3:55 pm
Don't forget to stop on the Southside of the Chi for a few Schmidt's firstGovs93 wrote:Speaking of... a mere 74 days and I'll be bellied up at Arthur Bryant's for lunch again, just before heading to Kauffman to see Delmon Young hit shots into the fountains. Talk about FUN!
....