Just for FUN!

[tomASS]

This post is a great example of why DMom is allowed to troll these waters.

DMom has returned fire across CNT's bow. The waters are deep though. And very cold. Stay tuned....

I thought she was here to cook and clean up for us ?!

weren't you telling the bored the other day about how shallow CNT was?
or was that someone else?

[Can't Never Tried]

One night, Mr. DMom goes into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

Then he asks for another.

After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained Mr. DMom "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

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"Yeah, except today is the last night."

[DMom]

This post is a great example of why DMom is allowed to troll these waters.

DMom has returned fire across CNT's bow. The waters are deep though. And very cold. Stay tuned....

I thought she was here to cook and clean up for us ?!

weren't you telling the bored the other day about how shallow CNT was?
or was that someone else?

Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days who are excellent house keepers.

Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.

[tomASS]

OUCH!





Mrs. tomASS accompanied her monikered clad husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called Mrs. tomASS into his office alone. He said, " tomASS is suffering from a very severe stress disorder from the youth hockey bored. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a day. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, tomASS asked the Mrs. "What did the doctor say?"

“He said you're going to die," she replied.

[DMom]

One night, Mr. DMom goes into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

Then he asks for another.

After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained Mr. DMom "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.



Two men are talking. The first says,Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the head lights off before Iget to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Hey honey, wanna fool around?' and she's always sound asleep."

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"Yeah, except today is the last night."

[DMom]

Q: Why are men like blenders?

A: You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

[Govs93]

Q: Why are men like blenders?

A: You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Q: Why do women have small feet?

A: So they can stand closer to the stove.

[Neutron 14]

Q - The dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door... which do you let in first?

A - The dog of course, at least he'll shut up once he's inside...

[tomASS]

A Side Order of Hockey Moms


Two hockey moms are on opposite sides of the rink

One hockey mom yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"

"You are on the other side," the other hockey mom yells back.

[EREmpireStrikesBack]

[DMom]

if you've always been on the bench you have never had to contemplate how to get to the stands on the other side. sometimes it isn't obvious, especially if you are not the brightest bulb in the box.

[Govs93]

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

[DMom]

Q: Why are men like blenders?

A: You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Q: Why do women have small feet?

A: So they can stand closer to the stove.

Men are like bike helmets.
- They are handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly

[Can't Never Tried]

Q: How is a woman like a condom?

A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on you.

[DMom]

Last Words


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband
passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?"

"That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...'"

[Neutron 14]

Minnhock University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's
EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary

General Electives:
GE101: You, The Whining Sex
GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

Home Economics:
HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")

Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
IR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"
IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce

Life Skills:
LS101: Combatting The Impulse To Nag
LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
LS103: Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
LS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack
LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain
LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause
LS113: How To Parallel Park

[Govs93]

Scientists have discovered a food that decreases a woman’s sex drive by 90 percent... wedding cake.

[DMom]

okay, okay, this is the last one I have to get some work done while I still have a job. (by the way, Mr. Dmom says thanks, you are saving him a fortune because otherwise I would be shopping at abercrombie.com or pursesRus.com )


Men VS Women's Showers
How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-hoo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-hoo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

[tomASS]

Minnhock University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue

I would presume upon completing and passing all these classes the woman would be eligible for her MRS. Degree?

God, I know a lot of drop outs.

[tomASS]

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-hoo' sound again.

my standard approach is "how do you like me now" ?

[Govs93]

[PanthersIn2011]

The Voice of Experience

A man is playing his weekly round of golf with his son and grandson. On the back nine, they notice a single creeping up on them. As they reach the 18th tee, the single has now caught them and they realize that it is, in fact, an extremely beautiful young woman. Naturally, they ask her to join them for the final hole.

The young lady tees her ball from the back markers and smashes a 280 yard drive down the middle. The men are impressed. She then hits her approach to 12 feet. Another fantastic shot. As they walk onto the green, she announces "If I can sink this putt, I will shoot 65 which would be a career best for me. In fact, " she adds in a provocative voice, "if one of you can help me, I will reallllyyy make it worthwhile … if know what I mean."

The grandson, eager to seize the moment, immediately blurts out "The putt looks straight, but it always breaks 4 inches to the left."

His father, methodically reads the putt from several angles and confidently says, "No. He's over reading it. Play it just at the right outside edge."

The grandfather slowly walks over, takes only a brief glance at the putt, followed by an equally brief glimpse at the girl and declares, "That's good!"

[Neutron 14]

Mrs. DMom

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[DMom]

Well, if you are going to use a real picture of me than I will have to show my real self:

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

[DMom]

Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad -a dead bird."

The other man looked up and said, "where?"