The dark side of youth sports

Kyndrachuk · Post by **Kyndrachuk** » Tue Dec 06, 2011 2:40 pm

When parents get too involved with their kids in youth sports, coaching for example, things can get ugly. Many coaches are blind when it comes to favoring their own child, giving them all the prime opportunities as other deserving kids take their place, and wait their turns. Parents observe this and seethe under their breath.

We've all seen it. You know, the coach whose kid is on first line, even though he may not merit being the team at all. Perhaps some of you have seen it already this season. The problem, it just erodes the credibility of your organization, and starts lots of silly fights between parents.

The problem is this...a coach is so caught up in making sure his kid succeeds, that he begins ignoring his responsibility to the rest of the kids. The saddest part, is that coaches like this aren't really interested in their kid's success at all; it's all about them and success.

Well enough preaching for one day.

nofinish · Post by **nofinish** » Tue Dec 06, 2011 3:06 pm

Since this guy spent 3 paragraphs ripping on "over the top" coaches (which in the minority) I wanted to write one sentence in appreciation of hockey coaches.

THANK YOU for getting up for 7 am practice, spending countless hours on practice plans, game plans, coach training, for being kind to the kids, for being a child psychologist and for having to deal with pain in the rear parents.

Kyndrachuck, I doubt you can skate, but if you can go get your 15 hours of training and help out.

Otherwise, nice first post

Kyndrachuk · Post by **Kyndrachuk** » Tue Dec 06, 2011 3:26 pm

Forgive me, perhaps I was bit harsh. But I probably have logged over 1500 hours of time in unpaid coaching over the years, and it's just something I observed. That's all.

Did I touch a nerve?

Maverick1999 · Post by **Maverick1999** » Tue Dec 06, 2011 3:29 pm

Nofinish, could not agree with you more. I think in many cases it is the other way around. In my case I am harder on my kid and purposely take him out of certain situations to avoid the favorism card.

nofinish · Post by **nofinish** » Tue Dec 06, 2011 3:32 pm

No nerve touched, you are correct about some coaches.

With multiple kids playing, many of us are on the ice every night and just need a pat on the back once in while.

Oh yea, thanks for coaching.

Kyndrachuk · Post by **Kyndrachuk** » Tue Dec 06, 2011 3:55 pm

Yes, I know "over the top" coaches are in the minority. That's for sure. But coaches who lack objectivity really stand out, and can really give the rest of the parent coaches a bad image.

The phenomenon has been around since the beginning of time, and will be with us forever. And nothing I can say on any forum will change that. But isn't that what forums are for?

Anyway, if you have any other opinions on the subject I would appreciate hearing them.

Thanks, from one coach to another.

nofinish · Post by **nofinish** » Tue Dec 06, 2011 4:09 pm

Yes, the phenomenon has been around a long time.
Probably best alternative is to have non parent head coaches, particularly for the higher end teams. Some big associations are able to do this but it is not always practical for smaller associations due to lack of coach canidates and it costs more money.
Otherwise parents need to push hard on the association coaching committee to straighten out the biased coach (or get rid of him), but that's assuming they aren't one in the same.

Irish · Post by **Irish** » Tue Dec 06, 2011 9:52 pm

Not to agree or disagree, but I had a coach at one time claim his kid deserves more playing time because he devotes his personal time and effort to coach the team.

Kyndrachuk · Post by **Kyndrachuk** » Wed Dec 07, 2011 8:59 am

Irish...to be clear, I have the utmost respect for 99% of parent coaches, but when guys as you say 'claim his kid deserves more playing time because he devotes his personal time and effort to coach the team' ... that's a problem that's endemic that needs addressing.

Our organization recently let a coach go because it was obvious the entire team revolved around his son, where he would play, getting him the puck, putting him in a position to succeed, etc. If the team played well and won, but his son didn't have a good game, he would be upset with the team. If they lost but his son had a good game, things were different. And the kids on the team were the ones who did most of the complaining, not the parents.

This is an extreme example. But organizations need to be aware of this, and head it off before it gets out of hand.

buttend · Post by **buttend** » Wed Dec 07, 2011 9:05 am

Kyndrachuk wrote:When parents get too involved with their kids in youth sports, coaching for example, things can get ugly. Many coaches are blind when it comes to favoring their own child, giving them all the prime opportunities as other deserving kids take their place, and wait their turns. Parents observe this and seethe under their breath.

We've all seen it. You know, the coach whose kid is on first line, even though he may not merit being the team at all. Perhaps some of you have seen it already this season. The problem, it just erodes the credibility of your organization, and starts lots of silly fights between parents.

The problem is this...a coach is so caught up in making sure his kid succeeds, that he begins ignoring his responsibility to the rest of the kids. The saddest part, is that coaches like this aren't really interested in their kid's success at all; it's all about them and success.

Well enough preaching for one day.

Sounds just like an issue going on at Lakeville South right now?

Kyndrachuk · Post by **Kyndrachuk** » Wed Dec 07, 2011 9:10 am

I knew this was not a unique problem. Appreciate any further thoughts you might have on the subject.

Oberver4 · Post by **Oberver4** » Wed Dec 07, 2011 9:45 am

Curious to know at which level in LSV? No affiliation just curious. . .

jBlaze3000 · Post by **jBlaze3000** » Wed Dec 07, 2011 3:20 pm

From my personal experience, the majority of parent coaches show favoritism towards their own kid. Maybe not to the extent that the OP is talking about, but to some extent none the less.

West Hockey · Post by **West Hockey** » Wed Dec 07, 2011 4:24 pm

In my coaching experience, the "dark side of youth sports" has been conflicts between coaches than between parents. I don't coach hockey, I coach baseball. For hockey season, I do everything other than coach (manage the website, arrange scrimmages, locker room duty, stats, etc).

I've found that the biggest challenge is assistant coaches encroaching on the head coach's authority and decisions. A strong head coach can easily put down the mutiny, but a head coach who wants to be everybody's best friend is easily taken advantage of--which often times ends up with the asst coach kids with more playing time.

I usually end up like Maverick, and my kid gets the short end of the stick when it comes to playing time/positions. This isn't fair, but it's how I do it.

Kyndrachuk · Post by **Kyndrachuk** » Wed Dec 07, 2011 5:24 pm

Yeah, I've experienced this Assistant Coach stuff as well. The vast majority of assistant coaches I've had are like you, ... objective and fair, 'taking your kid out of those situations' and in turn, I always appreciate that. It lets the kid earn his playing time on his own merits, a good life lesson.

BTW, I am a non-parent coach.

West Hockey wrote:In my coaching experience, the "dark side of youth sports" has been conflicts between coaches than between parents. I don't coach hockey, I coach baseball. For hockey season, I do everything other than coach (manage the website, arrange scrimmages, locker room duty, stats, etc).

I've found that the biggest challenge is assistant coaches encroaching on the head coach's authority and decisions. A strong head coach can easily put down the mutiny, but a head coach who wants to be everybody's best friend is easily taken advantage of--which often times ends up with the asst coach kids with more playing time.

I usually end up like Maverick, and my kid gets the short end of the stick when it comes to playing time/positions. This isn't fair, but it's how I do it.

YouthHockeyHub · Post by **YouthHockeyHub** » Thu Dec 15, 2011 11:52 am

Hey Kyndra,

Saw this and thought of your post. Not hockey, but it hit close to home that it happened in Lakeville (and could have easily been hockey):

http://www.myfoxdfw.com/dpps/news/eagan ... 1_16356603

JSR · Post by **JSR** » Thu Dec 15, 2011 2:53 pm

jBlaze3000 wrote:From my personal experience, the majority of parent coaches show favoritism towards their own kid. Maybe not to the extent that the OP is talking about, but to some extent none the less.

From my personal experience the overwhleming majority of parent coaches don't favor their kid and in fact are usually much harder on their own kid, go out of their way not to favor them and in most cases probably short change their kid within the team setting compared to the other kids on the team. The ones who show favoritism exist but in no way would I call them the majority

Kyndrachuk · Post by **Kyndrachuk** » Thu Dec 15, 2011 6:00 pm

The vast majority of parent coaches are objective; the minority of those who obsess about their own kid, favor them, just stand out like a sore thumb, give the good coaches a bad rap.

JSR wrote:
jBlaze3000 wrote:From my personal experience, the majority of parent coaches show favoritism towards their own kid. Maybe not to the extent that the OP is talking about, but to some extent none the less.
From my personal experience the overwhleming majority of parent coaches don't favor their kid and in fact are usually much harder on their own kid, go out of their way not to favor them and in most cases probably short change their kid within the team setting compared to the other kids on the team. The ones who show favoritism exist but in no way would I call them the majority

Cut Above · Post by **Cut Above** » Thu Dec 15, 2011 9:41 pm

I used to coach my daughter. On numerous occassions she pulled me aside to complain that "I treated her differently". Those were her exact words.

It was the FACT that I as the/her head coach went out of my way to not favor her to a fault.

This was in spite of her clearly being a top player. No bones about, she was right and I did my best to treat her like the others but it was really hard.

But yes, I've seen the other types too.

Kyndrachuk · Post by **Kyndrachuk** » Fri Dec 16, 2011 8:33 am

I coached my daughter as well. I vividly remember watching her like a hawk during practice and then really laying into her anytime she stepped out of line. Yes, I was a lot harder on her than the rest, which is very common among parent coaches....(ie, 'I'm harder on my own kid than the rest of the team'). I think this is our natural inclination because our own represent us, and it's a reflection on who we are.

My daughter told me the same ..... "I treated her differently" ... and she was dead right, yes other kids got away with murder compared to her.

But she was definitely not one of the better players on the team, so in critical situations, she would not be in the game, period. I'm way too competitive to count on a lesser player, when the game is on the line, even if it is my daughter.

Yeah, coaching your own kid is hard, no doubt.

Cut Above wrote:I used to coach my daughter. On numerous occassions she pulled me aside to complain that "I treated her differently". Those were her exact words.

BenDangle · Post by **BenDangle** » Fri Dec 16, 2011 9:28 am

I know what you guys are saying. Last Summer I'm coaching a league (non-tournament) game in baseball. My son was set to pitch the last two innings. He didn't have his best stuff and was getting rocked in the 5th. With a 1 run lead going into the bottom of the 6th...I asked a good friend/assistant coach if I should yank him for our stud and essentially win the game. He said, "let's find out what your boy is made of, isn't that what league games are for?" True Story: he proceeded to get shelled and then melted down after the game (there is a happy ending) in front of his buddies and his grampa from out of town. A tough night for Junior.

A week later, it was his turn to pitch again. He fired 3 shutout innings that night and then went on to pitch successfully in two state tournament appearances.

Moral: Sheltering your own kid (or any kid for that matter) from key minutes in clutch situations will hurt their development long term.

Kyndrachuk · Post by **Kyndrachuk** » Fri Dec 16, 2011 9:36 am

That's an awesome story, man. I wish I had the guts to do that.

We had the opposite situation with a baseball coach in our community last summer: he'd pull his kid anytime there was potential for him to fail; he stopped pitching him in late innings, period. Or God forbid any kid would make an error or not make a play behind him when he was pitching. The offender would just get drilled, dressed down in front of the team.

The coach was a really good guy, just completely blind when it came to his actions surrounding his kid.

Thanks

BenDangle wrote:I know what you guys are saying. Last Summer I'm coaching a league (non-tournament) game in baseball. My son was set to pitch the last two innings. He didn't have his best stuff and was getting rocked in the 5th. With a 1 run lead going into the bottom of the 6th...I asked a good friend/assistant coach if I should yank him for our stud and essentially win the game. He said, "let's find out what your boy is made of, isn't that what league games are for?" True Story: he proceeded to get shelled and then melted down after the game (there is a happy ending) in front of his buddies and his grampa from out of town. A tough night for Junior.

A week later, it was his turn to pitch again. He fired 3 shutout innings that night and then went on to pitch successfully in two state tournament appearances.

Moral: Sheltering your own kid (or any kid for that matter) from key minutes in clutch situations will hurt their development long term.

Irish · Post by **Irish** » Fri Dec 16, 2011 4:25 pm

There are many coaches that favor their own kids - With that said there are also non-parent coaches that favor certain kids too.

Any person that coaches any sport to give their kids an advantage is a joke.

We had two jokers in baseball this past summer. Both kids were hitting .200 or worse.
Guess who were the top two hitters in the batting lineup? Yep!
Guess who pitched? Yep!
Guess who played SS? Yep!
Guess who 2 of 3 catchers were? Yep!
Guess what two kids made the AAA team? Yep!
Guess what two kids made the LL All-star team? Yep!
Guess who the two coaches were all the way through? Yep!
Guess what two guys are on the baseball board? Yeppers!

Flat out wrong.

How about the kids who's dad played college hockey? Or the kids who's brother is a really good player? Don't you love how some kids are automaticially labeled a good skater because who his dad is, or who is brother is? Love it!
Or how about the coaches that played college hockey only to show up and know nothing about coaching? Why do people think it's an automatic that people that played high level hockey are great coaches?

Kyndrachuk · Post by **Kyndrachuk** » Sun Dec 18, 2011 9:23 am

Being a non-parent coach, yes, there are certain kids I favor for whatever reason. Usually, hopefully they're the best players (fingers crossed). Your comment on favoritism based on a Dad or brother who played college hockey is dead on. Seen that. And the worst, as you say, the coach who played at a high level, but has no clue about coaching. Seen that too. That's the worst.

Thanks for the new take on this. Appreciate it.

Irish wrote:How about the kids who's dad played college hockey? Or the kids who's brother is a really good player? Don't you love how some kids are automaticially labeled a good skater because who his dad is, or who is brother is? Love it!
Or how about the coaches that played college hockey only to show up and know nothing about coaching? Why do people think it's an automatic that people that played high level hockey are great coaches?

edgeless2 · Post by **edgeless2** » Sun Dec 18, 2011 10:36 am

http://www.forbes.com/sites/bobcook/201 ... d=rss_home

This is a dark side of youth sports.

HighSchoolHockeyForums.com

The dark side of youth sports

The dark side of youth sports

my first post

i agree

now you see where I'm going with this

Re: The dark side of youth sports

thanks for sharing

Good life lesson

not the majority for sure

my daughter

Love it.